Christmas Comes but Twice a Year

We are leaving home at the crack of sparrows on the 18th December, one week (obviously) before Christmas. The idea is to share Christmas Day itself with my parents in Rojales, southern Spain.

As we shall be taking all of our children with us, to have a 'normal' Christmas (if there is such a thing) means having to also take all of their presents with us too. After all, Santa might not know where my parents live.

One of the side effects of being forced to be mean on the weight allowance is, however, that we cannot possibly hide all of the children's Christmas presents in the Van. If we wrapped and took them all, there wouldn't be enough space or weight left to take all the other things we need, and, boy does Mrs.F 'need' a lot of stuff! I've decided, therefore, that the only way of meeting all the requirements is to have Christmas early and hide a few 'extra' presents somewhere in the van so the kids have still got something to open on Christmas Day itself.

This means having to plan for two Christmases (I presume Christmases is the plural of Christmas?). This coming Sunday, therefore, the 17th Dec, on the eve of our trip, we shall be having our 'first' Christmas and then we shall be having a second one 8 days later. To achieve this, we shall have to get all our cards out early, buy and wrap all the presents early (we always normally leave it to Christmas Eve, like everyone else), and somehow get some of the (lightweight) presents into the van without anyone finding them during our week long trip. It also means two Christmas dinners and, inevitably, having to get Mrs. F two Christmas presents. And, somehow, we will have to explain to our 5 year old how Father Christmas visited us twice.

If Mrs. F is to be the recipient of gifts on each of our Christmas Days, I fear she may well have to settle for 'Andy' presents. For those who aren't familiar with the concept of Andy presents, let me explain. Andy is a guy who only buys presents for his/her partner that he/she actually wants him/her self. For example, last year Mrs. F bought me a Westlife CD. That was an Andy present. So was the Robbie William’s DVD I got for my Birthday and so was the box of chocolates I got at Easter. This phenomenon is named after a guy I knew who really did only buy his wife stuff he actually wanted for himself. His achievements range from mobile phones to TV's to a Playstation and computer games, all thinly veiled as genuine presents for his suffering and gem sparse wife.

Admittedly, some of our children's toys over the years have flanked the borders of Andy Land, but this year, I don't think I have a choice; Mrs. F will, therefore, be getting a nice new torch, a roadside toolkit and, if she’s been really, really good, a guide to all the ‘Aires de Services’ throughout France. I imagine my stocking(s) will bulge with a similar cache of camping related tidbits. Some batteries and a First Aid kit would be nice.

When it comes to our [real] Christmas Lunch, we are relying entirely on my Parents. The fact they haven’t cooked for us for well over 10 years is a bit of a worry, but I’m sure Mrs. F won’t be able to hold herself back if she thinks help is needed. For my part, I’ve managed to source a whopping 2lb Christmas Pud from Fortnum and Mason. Fortunately, it was an unwanted gift to a colleague of mine which means I didn’t have to pay for it, which is just as well because I ran out of money ages ago. I shall happily sacrifice the weight on the way out there because I won’t be bringing it back with me meaning I will be creating an opportunity to re-use the weight allowance on something else, like beer. Or wine! Thinking about it, maybe I should keep quiet about the Christmas pudding and wrap it up for Mrs. F as another Andy present?

My recent flurry of activity has left me staring at the letter box every morning like an obsessed Rottweiler. I ordered so many things from the Internet that I am now reliant on the Postie to get them to me by the weekend. I’m not sure there’s much I can do If they don’t arrive in time. I will just have to leave without them I suppose and give myself a good telling off if I end up needing them whilst we are away…